Changing Oneself Through Changing One’s Perspective

Before we begin silent meditation tonight, I would like to say a few words about what it means to change oneself through changing one’s perspective in life.

Sufism is the school of purification of self. The purification of self means to eliminate the negative and destructive qualities in ourselves that are detrimental to us. When we start the process of purification of the self, we start the process of changing ourselves. The question that I would like to address here is: ‘What are the first steps we should take on the path of self-purification?’

First, a few words about what I mean by ‘changing oneself.’ Why shouldn’t we be happy the way we are? Fundamentally, we should be happy the way we are. There are certain things about ourselves that we cannot change, such as the colour of our skin, the culture in which we grew up, and the family into which we were born. It is futile to think about changing these things. Accepting traits and characteristics that we do not have control over and cannot change by sheer willpower or any other means is the beginning of the path of surrender or submission, which is the cornerstone of a spiritual life.

There are certain other characteristics that we do not have any control over, but at the same time we can change. And in fact, we should try to change our approach to them in the hope of changing them eventually. Some of our perceptions, beliefs, feelings, sensations, and desires do not have any basis in reality, and they can be destructive. We should try to change ourselves by not taking such experiences at face value.

When we see a mirage in a desert, we perceive water where there is none. Similarly, perceptions and beliefs happen in our mind, and we believe them to be true. We may feel hatred towards someone whom we see for the first time, or be offended by someone because of what they have said or done, and therefore view that person as someone who is rude and not friendly.

We can say these feelings of hatred or of being offended are like the mirage in the desert. From what we perceive in our mind, we extrapolate that our perceptions are true, and we assume that our feelings have a basis in reality. But in fact, these feelings and perceptions may not be true. There is no water in the desert. Likewise, the person we feel hatred towards may be a very kind and charitable person, and we may have been feeling offended because we took the person’s words the wrong way.

But there is a more fundamental point here. Even if some of our feelings have a basis in reality, and our feelings of hatred and being offended are caused by selfish and inconsiderate people, such negative feelings are still destructive and prevent us from functioning properly in the world.

I am not saying that we should accept offensive and rude people passively. In fact, it is possible to handle the bad behaviours of others without harbouring bad feelings in oneself. But if we do experience such negative feelings, we should consider them to be godsent. We should use the opportunity to work on ourselves. Most people accept such negative feelings and emotions as real and are consumed by them. This leads them to feel more negative about themselves and others. It is a destructive path.

Take the example of feeling offended. Suppose you are invited to a gathering, and the host, who is a close friend of yours, completely ignores you the entire time. You come home feeling offended by your friend. Your mind takes over, and you start devising a plan how to retaliate and get even. Before you know it, you may be up for the whole night, being completely consumed by this feeling and searching for a reason as to why you were not treated justly or properly by your friend. You can see that this way of approaching your feelings and emotions is completely futile and leads nowhere. Instead of helping you to get rid of feeling offended, you will become more entangled in your thoughts and immersed further in such a feeling.

What would be the alternative approach? What would be an approach which can help us to be less consumed and entangled in our negative thoughts and emotions? There is a saying in Sufism that all of our thoughts and feelings come from God, and therefore we must accept these thoughts and feelings. In other words, we have no control over our thoughts, feelings, and emotions; therefore, it is better to accept them instead of fighting with them or being consumed by them.

Once we accept that we have no control of our thoughts and feelings, then we can take a more objective and not-so-personal attitude towards them. This means that we should stop identifying with our thoughts and feelings, stop letting the story they create have power over us. We observe the feeling of hatred, for example, but we do not ascribe this to ourselves. We do not say that we are experiencing hatred. We do not believe that hatred is a real thing that is part of who we are. This is when change of perspective takes place—when we no longer identify with our thoughts and feelings. Instead of feeling hatred, we observe hatred; instead of feeling sad, we observe sadness. One of the methods common in all spiritual practices to overcome destructive feelings and thoughts is to not identify with them and not be attached to them, no matter how powerful they seem, but only to observe such thoughts and feelings through meditation.

Imagine the above scenario where you felt offended by your friend. Instead of letting yourself be consumed by feeling offended, you sit down and close your eyes and examine the feeling that you have. You will observe the feeling objectively, as something which is not part of yourself, as an experience that has come to you from the world of the unseen. What has it come here to show you? In a sense, when you meditate on your feeling of being offended, you look at it, as it were, from the bird’s-eye view, or, in other words, you transcend the perspective of the ‘self’.

One thing you will notice when you meditate on your feeling of being offended is that it begins to dissolve. You notice that you are not being consumed by it anymore. It is not part of you. Once you change your perspective and look at the feeling of being offended more objectively, the next time that you feel offended, you will be less consumed by this feeling. This is the beginning of the process of purification of the self and the path of changing oneself.